"Countless absurdities"

I pulled a lot of bizarre words and phrases out. My mind had no internal censor that tells you “hey… other people might be listening… you might not want to say that.”



Mom: What, honey? What? what does “countless absurdities” mean?
Me: Oh god!
Mom: Whats wrong?
Me: All those times I used bad language..
Mom: yeah?
Me: God dammit those are countless
Mom: Why do you do it?
Me: Do you have this tape recorder going?
Mom: Do you want me to?
Me: No!
Mom: (not shutting of tape recorder) O.k., then why do you do it?
Me: because, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! It depends on whendowhichyear (indiscernable) are you. Is....It depends on if the year fucking uses or not...or if the year yerses or not.
Mom: I love you.
Me: Fucking's not used in the middle of...in the middle of ..traffic! But it is used.
Mom : o.k. here's some more popsicle.
Me: o.k.?
Mom: mmhmm
Mom: How is that?
Me: Do you hear my side?
Mom: mmhmm. good?
Me: Oh god! It's chained.
Me: It's fucking good. It's fucking great.
Me: shit.
Mom: what's wrong?
Me: I'm supposed to use fucking a lot.
Mom: No you're not!
Who said you're supposed to use it?
Me: I don't know... I d...I originally use it, don't I?
Mom: no! It's not in your vocabulary.
Me: It's not?
Mom: no.
Me: Oh god!
Mom: You've been saying it a lot...
Me: (shocked) I've been saying it a lot??
Mom: uh huh
Me (thinking about FCC guidelines) On the air??!!??
Mom: No..just in the hospital.
Me: Oh god!
Me: unmes..don't you? Don't you guys write these scripts up?
traivan...
Mom: you're gonna be better, you'll see.
Me: fucking.fucking. I really think that I'm gonna do a bad one now.
Mom: bad word?
Me: bad one of the fucking....
Mom: (gently) No you aren't..you're not bad.
Me: I am!
Mom: Don't say it, that's all. You want to say it, I'll close the door, o.k.??
Me: o.k.
Mom: let's finish the popsicle then i'll close the door.
Me: (with mouth full with the popsicle) mmnnmmhhmm.
Mom: what?
Me: close the door and then let me say it.
Mom: o.k. i'll close the door
(door closes)
O.k., say it.
Me: (low key) fucking.
Mom: (starting to say something)
Me: Please! Let me get it done, Mom.
mom: O.k. say....
Me: (cutting her off) O.k.?
Mom: Say it all you want....get it out.
(pause)
Mom : It's o.k.
Me: (burp) Oh god!
Mom: what?
Me: that was a yucky.
Mom: That was a burp, huh??
Me: (fading) uhhu.......
Mom: you want some more popsicle or not?
Me: do it
Mom: Taste good?
Me: Yes
Me: I'm on their mailing list, do you know that?
Mom: what mailing list?
Me: ch ch
Mom: who's mailing list?
Me: They're on our mailing list
Mom: o.k. take a bite. (phlegm in the backgound) here bite it.
(pause)
Mom: who's mailing list?
Me: Oh god! (heavy breathing)
Russo's World Of Pets, you know that?
Mom: Why Russo's World Of Pets?
Me: God dammit, because we send them a god damn....(pause)...a god bless you always...picture.
Mom: o.k..do you know why you're saying such bad words?
(me with phlegm)
Mom: cough it up. cough it up real good.
(mom demonstrates)
Mom: can you get it out?
(pause)
Mom: it's okay honey, I'm here, I love you.
Do you want the rest or do you want me to throw it out?
Good popsicle?
Me: Oh great........I don't know why i'm doing this mom.
But I know...But I know...that I'm doing this, GOD DAMMIT, Just because
Mom: Because you have a liquid built up in your head
They have to operate on it
Me: O.k...whatever the explanation is...
Mom: It's called hyro-...hydrocephallic...you're hydrocephallic and it's making you say bad words
O.k.?
Me: That sounds like a bad word itself.
Mom: You're right, it certainly does..can you say it? "Hydrocephallic".
Me: Hydrocephallic.
Mom: Sounds like "cephallic"
Cough!
Me: Dammit!
Mom: What?
Me: I don't what she's like?
Mom: Who?
Me: Her
Mom: Who's "Her"?
Oh..on TV?
Me: On...
Mom: what channel?
Me: The lady...who's on "Roach Controller"
Mom: Oh...I saw her...that was a commercial for roach control. Go on bite it. Go on.
Good?
Me: Oh God...
mom: hmm…What?
Me: This is the world's greatest biology teacher, mom.
Mom: who?
Me: Right here
Mom: Where?
Me: Here
Mom: That's Sizzler
Me: Sizzler...steaks and seemm
Mom: Steaks and seafood
Me: Oh god...this is the greatest fucking biology teacher in the world
Mom: who?
Me: my biology teacher over here.
Mom: What's his name?
Me: Mr. Watts
Mom: why is he so great?
Me: He is.
Mom: o.k. bite this. Eat it up.
Mom: why is he so great?
Me: He just is.
Mom: O.k…let’s finish this…good?
Mom: O.k. Who's Mr. Watt?
Me: The original story behind is name is that he's really got a long last name....
Mom: what is it? Something like Watakuski or something?
Me: But behind this curson..curtain, what are we going to cus..cut a wel...
(someone comes in)