What mom & dad taught me

This one still sticks to us to this day. Mom and dad tried to fish out of me what qualities they handed down to me. Little did they know…

Me: Tell him to Stop!
Mom: What’s he asking? What’s he doing?
Me: He's just asking me stupid questions... he's trying to confuse me.
Mom: What would you like him to ask you?
Me: normal stuff
Mom: like?
Me: like how am I feeling today.
Mom: O.k…how are you feeling today?
Me: FINE.
Mom: O.k..anything else
Me: How'm I getting better?
Mom: Are you..getting better?
Me: Yes
Mom: What part of you is getting better?
Me: Part of me. Is getting better
Mom: Good
(I start to cough)
Mom: Cough it up, Lar.
Me: This is…this sucks, Mom. This sucks… I can’t believe that you guys got me doing this.
Mom: We didn’t do it. You got in an automobile accident. We didn’t do it to you, Larry.
Me: You.
Mom: No…how did you get here? What happened?
Why are you in the hospital?
Think.
Me: cause I got in an automobile accident.
Mom: Right, who were you with?
Me: Christa.
Mom: That’s right, so I didn’t put you here. The ambulance brought you here.
Me: Go on.
Mom: O.k.
Me: It wasn’t my choice to be here, though.
Mom: That’s right…it wasn’t mine either.
Me: It wasn’t my choice to be here.
Mom: No. None of us want you here, Larry…but you’re alive and you’re here. And we’re thankful
Me: Fuck…I didn't sign any release forms, mom.
Mom: O.k. we didn’t ask you to. They had to bring you here because you were sick, Lar. You were all broken. You had to be put back together again.
Me: Was I?
Mom: Yeah
Cough it up, babe.
Dad: What happens when you’re in an accident?
Does the ambulance come?
Me: What goes on, Dad.
Dad: Does the ambulance come?
Me: yes
Dad: and what do they do with people in the accident?
Me: Then realize how bad they are.
Dad: And then what do they do?
Me: Then they recognize…then they take them to the appropriate doctor!
Dad: And that’s just where you are right now.
Me: The appropriate doctor??!!??
Dad: You’re in the hospital where the appropriate doctors can see you.
Me: where?
Oh! O.k.!
I understand.
Dad: You understand that now?
Me: I understand Dad! I understand!
Mom: good!
Me: Wow!
Mom; See…and they’re going to make you better.
Me: They don't make me feel better but they do make me feel...o.k.
(me coughing)
Dad: one of these days you’re going to have that cough strong and you can cough up all that junk…want a cold drink now?
Me: yeah…Like you?
Dad: Like I can cough it up?
That’s because I’m not sick.
Mom: What would you…what would you say some of the things dad taught you in life?..huh?
Me: Some of the things?
I don’t know mom..i don’t know..
Mom: did he ever teach you anything?
Me: yes..some things.
Mom: Like?
Me: take the trash out every Tuesday… That’s what he taught me mom. Always help out at work.
Mom: Good..be a good worker.
Me: Be a good worker..exactly.
Mom: Yeah….you sound really good today, honey….you really do.
You sound terrific.
Me: Earn my god damned money
Dad: did I teach you how to drink a drink?
Me: Earn my money
Mom: Did he teach you about pop??
Me: yes he did.
Dad: here….take a sip.
Mom: How’s that taste, hmm??
Me: OOHHHH!! OHHHHH!!
Mom: delicious, or yucky?
Me: good.
Mom: 7-up is good, huh??
Me: really good
Mom: want some more?
Me: no
Mom: yes he..try it…even though he says no…see if he’ll take it
Dad: no?
Mom: No…he doesn’t…he says no..but he wants it
Me: OK mom…I said no
Mom: What are some of the things Mom's taught you in life??
Me: To always go up and get seconds, dammit.
Mom: What else?
(DAD failing to contain laugh in the background)
Me: When you can
(Dad losing it in background)
Mom: Yeah...what else?
Me: (obviously very sensitive) Stop that, you guys, Stop!
Mom: What are we laughing at?
Me: You guys, stop it, dammit!
Mom: OK, what else?
Me: (with a minor chuckle) Stop laughing, dammit.
Mom: Im not laughing...
Me: God dammit!
Mom: I'm not laughing.
Me: You did too.
Mom: well you know what was funny?
Me: what?
Mom: you said I taught you to go get seconds….you know you haven't said anything funny on purpose, but that was really funny. Don't you think so?
(I start coughing up a bunch of phlegm)
Mom: Cough it up.
(mom demonstrates)
do you love me? Like I love you?
(mom & dad talk about grandma & grandpa at home)
Me: Where’d she called..Mom. Where’d she call? Grandpa..grandma’s fmlug (indecipherable)

(I thought it was during this session, but also at one point I sad dad taught me to open the backs of vending machines)